Cardin Nguyen 
June 10, 2007Dear Journal,
Day by day we live in a world solving our problems and own mysteries. After solving that mysteries there comes another mysteries that we have to solve. Days and night I cant sleep thinking of what I should do in a crisis like this.
Sometimes you get blame for something you didnt do and you must admit it to keep that “loved one” to stay with you. Days and nights I realize I cannot do that no more. If I didnt do it then I dont have to admit to it. I was afraid of losing Tran after she came back s many time so I kept admit to her assusation every single time she accused me things like I didnt do.
Example Friday the 8th, Vinh called met fishing that day with him and later he called me to ask if I want to go camping with him. I declined the camping but like to go on the fishing with him. Later when Tran check my phone records she ask who called. I said “Vinh” and that he asking me to go fihsing and camping wiht him. She then went crazy to the fact that Vinh even called.
Later that evening she released that her mother is ill and very sick. Her mother blood pressure is really high so she ask if she can go there and I said “sure, its not like I can stop you” (em muon ddi thi ddi chua ai lam gi douc em) .
Right after that I just went to the bedroom and lay down after signing off Tibia and finish talking with TibiaBR that I would fix his server with a few new twekas when I’m at work again. About 5 minutes later she rushed in and started to throw things at me crying and asking whats wrong with me.
“I’m tired and need some rest” and then she started to say that I am werid not letting her go home since her home is really close. Then right there thats when all the things goes wrong in this world
She started to point and question why I let her go yesterday and not today.
“Is it because you wnat to go hang out with girls? (Khong co em anh hien ho ddi choi)” right there this what got me upset. Vinh only called me to ask me to go fishing whcih I never went nor did I accept to go camping. This is what got me tick off because I’m being accused everything. I accepted all her accused becuase she has pregnant and has my baby. Even though her accuse some false and some true in the past, BUT I stil accept it anyways becuase I loved Tran. But this time I cannot stand down and accept what she saying is true. I got upup and threw everything in the house to release my own anger as I can see that I’m being accused and cant defend myself.
Well to make that ending story short. I left the house for drive around town and Tran moved everything out of the house with all her clothes during the time that I was gone. Well I loved Tran and accepted all her accusation base on the fact that I loved her. Even though I had 2 girlfirend in my life and say that I loved them, but no one come close to the love that hurts so much like “Tran”. Words sometimes have so many means and cant be define just by saying it. You work day per day just to defend what your words meant.
I loved her so every day coming home after school and work. I stay home to play Tibia and write emails back to those in needs. Showing her that I’m a good guy. Just because Vinh (my best friend before having a girlfriend) called I was being accused of randomlized stuff. This time I cannot stand down even though I konw that I migiht lose Tran.
This is my ground and my love. I cant put myself down to put her back in my arms. I realize to show that I love her I gotta stand my ground and let her think it out. I cant always be the one to be retreating this one. I didnt do anything wrong in issue but I was wrong in her eyes because
1. After saying that she can go if she want and that I cant really stop her. Then right after that heading to the bedroom and lay down.
whats wrong?
what went wrong was becuase in her eyes I didnt want her to go. She didnt fact it out that I’ve been up all night answering emails and doing some accounting work and of course like everyday been playing tiiba till 4 pm that day. She didnt think about all that.
Also the timing of how all the things went. Vinh called the day before, then Tran called her mother and found out that her mother is sick. Then yesterday she tells me that she wanna go over there. Then exactly at thatminute I was tired and was in the process of signing off of tibia. Then boom everything happen so fast that I didnt have a minute to think what to do .
Thats life. Everything comes so fast at one point giving us no time to react to certain situation. If I was a outsider it would be easier to evaluate a situation. I find its easier to solve other situation then our OWN problems. Thats the reason why I fell in love with Psychology, sociology, cardiovascular, and of course how the human brain works.
What I’m planing to do?
There isnt really much planning to do to even get Tran back in my arms. But what I do know this moment is that I loved her even though my past isnt so great. When you say you love some one too much. Three girls to be exact, then it comes to the point where the words “Love” becomes a dull arrow. .
Then what exactly am I doing??
hahah, just similar to the last question. I’m not doing anything. I can only say that I love her because I know I do. Everytime she gone all I can do is think of her. But does she know that? I honestly cant tell you. We have our own seperated mind and self body that We’re the only one that can define the feelings that we have for someone. We’re actually the only persont hat understand ourself. Now its up to Tran to believe that I love her or not.
Everybody expectations different from each other. If I meet her expectation of what she define “How I should love her” then to her thats how I love her. But everybody loves difernetnly. Theres always those who doesnt know how to love someone. It maybe that we love someone but we dont know how to love them.
And of course theres always those that has high expectation. These expectation or sometime hard to obtain. but what I do know is, that I have tried to love and have done everything in my will to love Tran and my September baby. Theres nothing more I can do but wait and let her accept what I’m doing enough or not enough for her.
If its enough then she’ll see it as that I I LOVE HER. If its not then she’ll outsource a new love where that “Guy” can reach up to her expectations.
Love is like balance of math.
guy Love > girl love = love
guy love < girl love = not love
Werid huh? But its true! Love is math. Its the expectations in life that many of us cant reach. Some of us cant even reach the goals.
What a life….? Another mystery to solve. Another issue to deal with. Another pain to suffer. Another love to moan on. Another day to burn time..
Everyday we learn to adapt to things and changes that will affect our whole life. Losing a loved one, losing a gf, losing what we love most in this world.
Its Me Today
I’ve learn that no matter how much I love her. NO matter how much I love my friends, my families, and myself, and of course those friends I met, I gotta stand my ground and defend my words. I didnt even have the thought of going out with Vinh girlfriends on campping trip or what so ever. Sometimes communication are mixed. We mix our feelings with what the actual situation to backup what we’re thinking. Every human being has a high andranaline that backs us up when we’re in fear, anger, mad, and all other human emoutions. Its l ike the fuel that gets us started to hallucinate of things that isnt really going on.
Over all I learn to defend what I have to say. I loved her, I never even had the though of doing that when I’m starting up the family.
This time I cant accept the wrong to keep her in my arms, because I love her. Thats the only way I can show that I love Tran and thats the only way I can prove that I didn’t even think of another girl except her. It may leads to fault that this is pernamently lost.
But then if I dont stand up for my words then I have lost myself in a love that doesnt exist the real me. I am there in the love but a zombie. So I must defend myself. To have a complete love. I have to set me in the picture with Tran. I cannot let only her words into play but have my words an effect.
Another battle to over come. Another war to fight…. Victory is long ways…the choices is hers.
If I win this battle. Other battles are there ahead of me.
Love battles…
Friedns battle……
Tibia Battle…
Many more to battle…
But this battle is the longest battle….fight for your self and not let you down.
We all been betrayed some point in life but dont let yourself betray yourself to retain a love one.
Cardin Nguyen