Dear Journal,

Day By day life is like a rugged rocks! It sometimes get better, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes it may be the end of the world. Through life, I learned that if you don’t try to be the doctor of your life then its merely the end of your life. Just one twitch it could change the whole world. Well I guess thats my guidances.

Well anyway today I decided to write about perception and choice making. Lets Start of with telling what I’ve been doing….

I’ve been a gamble addicts over the past 13 months. I gamble due to several reasons. When you first try it it was really fun to play because it makes you forget all the woriies and issues you’re having in life. I wasnt having any issues at all. Please do notice the any “No” before you continue to read on. Tran and I started to go gamble because she like to get the experiences to see how it was. I played it before with Binh and Vinh as a recreational $50-100 dollars limit every few months (thats due to money restraint, I didnt have any money or make the money I make now back in the college days being broke). As you play and you lose a few bucks its ok. But then as you continue to play when you hit the $300 limit you notice that losing is a living hell so you sit there and try to win what you have lost. You continue to play and you lose some more till you’re unable to withdraw due to daily limits/constraints thats when you give up. Thats when you return home unable to sleep and wait for another battle.
Well to make the story short and simple. We got hooked and continue to play and nearly lost what we have. Our family have been destory due to finger pointing and thats when my the fees and owe-ing start to come into play. I still make the same amount of money I make but it doesnt arrives till the 1st of every month. But now that my $16,000 a month income has been disbursted more due the daily limits withdarws so you start to withdraw cash from your credit cards.

Example:
Bank of America Daily withdraw limits: 300-400
Bank of America Business : $400

then thats when the credit cards comes into play. In your mind you think that the money in your credit is yorus (which it is not yours, you’re just borrowing the bank + fees to withdraw that ammount of cash).

My Income $14,000 a month with all the stocks and bonds thats associated with me.

Income $14,000
– Acural TL $750
– Mortaage $1750
– Cell Phone $200 roughtly (hosting 5 phones with 2100 minutes)
– Cable Internet + TV $100 (I’ve just cut DIGITAL TV as I dont watch it at all)
– Honda $450 (paid this off but this was before)
– Tran $400-2000 (promised to give her that much monthly. Before going gamble I usually give her $1000-2000 a month but then started to giving her what she needed for her family needs. )
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Total Left: $9750-8750

wow with this ammount of money without taxes deductable which is great right? Indeed with that much money I could do alot of things with it.

Now lets do the Taxes

Income Remaining after all the major expenses
$9750-8750
– Taxes $2500 a month.
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Income After Taxes $7250-6250

Wow again right? Yes with all the living expense and stuff I’m stil having alot of left over for cash reserves and spending.

Now lets do the CREDIT CARDS that KILLED ME

Debits/what I owe
Advanta $1900
Capital One $500
Bank of America Credit Card $4000
Chase $3000
Citi $750
Orchardbank $2000
WaMu $1700
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Total Owes: $13850
Wow I cant paid this off every month completely.
so now all I can do is break the payments in 4 months+ or so to paid off.

Now you see the picture. Before the gambling I didnt even owe a single dime to credit cards at all. After the gamble expenses I’m incurring high fees rate + many other

So Far my balance as of today

Debits/what I owe
Advanta $1900
Capital One PAID
Bank of America Credit Card $4000
Chase $3000
Citi PAID
Orchardbank $2000
WaMu $1700

See the picture. Your hard working money you have to start dividing it up and kiling it. One wrong move and addiction cause me thousand of dollars that benefited the Casino. Though it makes you realize this industry how they hate it. Its call FREEDOM of Choise You made one wrong move then you’re fucked. My perception wasn’t correctly control. I thought it was controlable but I guess I was too immature to even realize what happen till I lose thousands.

Family
Thats the other reason why Tran have left me. We gambled together with my money and her money and at the end when we have low money and our spenditures and commodities (fun stuff) have been limited our love decrease. We couldn’t go hang out or eat as much because of my budget cuts so we begin to distances our love. Love shouldn’t be base about money. But without money we’re unable to make it grow.
Because Tran and I was so use to using/spending the money on food, hang out, and other adventurous things we cant accept the fact that we are home nearly 7 days a week. Thats when we get totally sick of each other because nothing relavent is happening our life to make us continue to grow our love.
Thats when we start to think shes this and hes that.

ME -Thats when I think she is all about money when she want to hang out
HER – thats when she think I’m hiding money to gamble more.

I quitted but people keep adding more fuel to the fire. Vietnamese love to do that because it spice up the situation making it more amusing for other people. Sad isnt it? I’m her boyfriend and my “WORDS” didnt mean nothing but she believed others. What a sad world isnt it? What is there to do but choke myself right?
She didnt understand that I have cut the income spending down to limited amount so that I can pay off those credit cards faster.

CHOICE MAKING!

I had the choice to gamble and not gamble. I CHOOSE GAMBLE and I lost the money which lead to another choice. I had to cut down the expense to pay off the credit cards to reduce the FEES on my ass. I didnt communicate with Tran well so she thought that I was spending it on stupid things and always complaining. I’m complaining becuase I never owe so much money to credit cards.
This have lead to finger pointing. We both made the choice to gamble. We both lost communication. And now my attitudes and temper have changes she have left me with my baby thats going to be due September 9-15, 2007. What is there for me to do? I cant do anything but wish her happiness in the future who she can find a guy that can say “NO” to things that are bad for their relationships.

For me, I loved her and agreed to anything she wanna try and do. I wasn’t man enough to stand up and say NO to things that I know was stupid. I just want to satisfy our relationship and love which lead to this day.

She have left me. For my mistakes I have decided to shave my head as a consequences of being stupid. I hope that shaving my head I wish my baby boy the best of luck with his new father. I know that Tran is pretty and she can get another man easy.

But for me, I’m ugly so its impossible. I cant contact my son or Tran so only thing I can give my son is the best heathy and wish by shaving my head.

Reduced 94% 1600 x 1200 (150.6K)

Reduced 94% 1600 x 1200 (154.63K)

I cant stop thinking of the kid that I created. If I could only have that once chances to fix everything I could of done it bettter. Sometimes you blame yhourself for everything and sit there do nothing. Nothings going to happen when you sit there and just think about things. You have to do things and try to survive to proveo that you aint wrong. Thats what I did. I shaved my head to forget what had happen and look into the future.

I am somewhat crazy you know that?
1 week ago at the brink of my life I have bought a $300,000 dollars life insurances. I felt that I was going to die so the money would go to my son, Trieu. So if anything that is to happen to me this moment I stilll could give something back to my son. Though I cannot take care for my son Trieu becaues of the communicatoin barrier, thats the only thing I can give to his mother and him.

The Other Affects:
1.) my grandmother illegally staying over United States pass her visitation (1 year) – I’m getting in trouble by federal government because its illegal. I’m being FINE Really huge becuase of it.
2.) my dying father. Hes having a heart failure and kidneys failure. – I cant share this with anyone becuase Tran and my father doesnt get along.

thats it folks! thats the end of my story. I shaved my head to give youth to my son. I shaved my head to forget about everything. I am going to eat only RICE and SOY SAUCES for the NEXT 7 DAYS hoping for the best of my love

Tran Nguyen and Trieu Nguyen (son unborn)

When you realize what you have done and cause Its ALREADY TOO LATE

YOU LOST YOUR GF/WIFE
YOU LOST YOUR CHILD…..

Sometimes communication are so hard. Even no matter how much you try, if your love ones doesnt understand then theres nothing you can do but let it go and continue on….

My mistakes, if you give me a 1 thousand page to write what I did wrong. I could probably finish 2 thousand pages. First impression of someone is either good or bad it doesnt matter. But sitting down and getting to know the person is the only way we can solve thing.

I left bellingham because I dont like this place. But I return here becuase Tran love it here. I gave up everything to come up here with her and used the excuse of going to school. To be honest, I can never continue server. I’m done with school already. Sociology and Computer Science is enough for me. Now that I realize the last half year she left me I am here alone.
You give up everything for love and makes mistakes in every relationship. Sometimes your msitakes can not be reverse. I lost my parents and I lost what I ran after “Tran” .

A man is like a women. A women can be a man..but withone one another its the end of human kind.

Sometimes things you said are just instance thoughts but it cant always be thought out. What I write here is what I am thinking at this moment. Its a lots of thinking but theres nothing I can do except let you as the reader figure out that part.

I miss Tran…… I can now officially say I really loved her more then anyone else in this world, but I have to try to fight to live another day with out my son Trieu.

To be honest journals, what hurt most is when she said “I came up here becuase I am closer to my family.” and in return Me Cardin ran far away from my parents to be with her. I gave up everything I had and a great job to run after a love that I gave up silently way too much…..

when I am sad I have no one to run to. Before this I can run to Tran and share with her some experience. And somethings I cannot share with her because its dignity of a man.

I am here alone once again to think of about what to do…

Only thing I can do is live day by day and hope I come to the age of dying. resting in peace…

“Hai Nguoi yeu nhau ma khong biet omg nao ma ddi chung thi khong thanh. Ngoi do chi tay loi tay nguoi nay tay nguoi kia suot do co truyen. ” sign…

Yours,
Cardin Nguyen