A Broken Promise

  Cardin Nguyen        August 22, 2005

Dear Journal again,
I guess my sad feeling just came back. Don’t know why though but this feeling always revolve around me. Finally I understand why I don’t go online anymore except talking to my clients and patients. I was talking to Aodailien and was anxious and I guess I finally understand why she’s having issues. It’s the patience that she doesn’t have. I know that my promise with you before my other journals entries died which I remember that “I would give myself one chance”. I don’t know why this feeling hurt so much when the feeling of loss past you by. After this journal entry I’m heading to work early and forget all about this. I finally realize why I force my self to work 24/7. The honesty truth is that I do get 5 hours off a day but I force myself to work full time because I have a lot of things to think about when I’m free. I hate being free with nothing to do on hand. Now I see why my little sister calls me work-aholic. I feel so sad today after talking on aim. I promise u Journal that I wont chat online anymore. I think I know my destiny now. I guess I made a few promise today so I’m gonna keep that promise. Today after talking on the phone aodailien ask me to become her sister. Now that is sad. But oh well. If that’s what she wants then I gladly accept. I love to help anyone. I once had a hard time with my education. Eating out of the garbage and working several jobs to help pay for my apartments and education expense made me grew into a man. I thank Quan Am for guiding me through my life. So here I am to do everything I can to help others as a gratitude to all those who have helped me through this life to make it where I am. Mr. Journal today is the worse day of my life. Realizing the truth about life and how hard it is. Its so easy to give other advices about their life but in return when its your life you cant really lead yourself out of it. Majoring in psychology, cardiovascular, and sociology doesn’t really help me in life. Though I feel like I know a lot but it doesn’t get me anywhere. Today I guess I’ll just forget about boy and girl issues and just work and pay back what my parents had given me till this day. My plans is continue to save 5k a month and start working on that house by the May/April of next year. I don’t know what type of house I want yet. But hopefully the architect dude develop a good house. I gave him basic statistics that I want. I want an elevator, 6 bed rooms, 3 floors, a deck, 4 bathroom, and 4 garage. Ahhhhhh…I’m determine to finish what I have started. Ahhh so many pressure. Yesterday I decided to give myself another chance but today I decided that being single for the rest of my life is the best. God I hate the pressure of getting marry. My parents in their 50s and 60’s now and the pressure of getting a girlfriend is hard on me. I met someone that I might want to start a relationship with but finally was slap in the face with five fingers printing out “No” which hurts like a mother. Oh well, those few hours of hopes rejuvenate my hopes. But over all I’ll keep denying my parents proposal to head to Vietnam and get a girl. Never will do that and today I finally decided that the last hope I have given up was it for me. I decided to finish off this Doctorial degree and work for the rest of this life. The only way to hide away from all these is working 24/7 and full fills my word “tra hieu”. I’m sorry journal. I gave my self a chance but that was it. I can’t handle the ignorance and profanity of life. I just want a relationship where we give each other chance to explain and purify all the issues that could come across life. But this was it for me. Ahhhhhhhh….hell I don’t know what to do. But anyways that’s my plan and that’s what I will keep. You know me best journal and over time I’ll prove it. The reason why I choose psychology was to help people through life but I cant help myself. So my best answer to myself is to avoid it. Well anyways today I promised aodailien that I would loan out some money so that she wont have to pay so much loans like I am right now. It makes me feel good that aodailien giving me that chance to help out. God I hate it so much that I’m paying nearly 1k a month worth of loans. I work 24/7 as a student making 20k a month and paying loans and car payments is hell already. Everyday I sit down to calculate what needed to be done and what I can do. I save 5k for house and put 5k out to spend which I never use. I use roughtly 2k and put 3k in savings. Working this hard pays off so much. I always had a dream when I was a kid. I had a dream that I would become successful and have something to work for. I finally made it. Though that dream isn’t there but I’ve created one. Aodailien walks in and I guess if I can’t have the heart I’ll have it as a dream. Well anyways journal, I heading to bed, just paused for 5 minutes to talk on the phone calling me in for work. Sometimes I hate work and sometimes I like it. Its so funny how life works. When there’s nothing to do you want to work. But when you want to have some times alone work keeps coming. Well anyways its 1 am now and I gotta head to work by 4:30. I guess I’ll call MP to escort me to work since I need 2 hours of sleep. Aodailien wants me to sleep 5 hours atleast a day so I guess that’s where I’ll start. After checking Ms. Day out with her right lung sintos I’ll sleep for another 3 hours. Alarm is set for 3 am to wake my ass up.Well anyways Mr. Journal, thanks for listening to my crap. Again please send this message and thanks to all those who have guide me to who I am today. As a gratitude I’ll pass my days of living and hours of living to fulfill my love. Well anyways c-ya in the next journal.
Gaaaa life sucks! Shit cant talk its 1:10…sleeping….buh bai
Nguyen Thanh Trong Cardin

The Green Alien

  Cardin Nguyen        August 21, 2005

Tick tock – dang Saturday was the longest day of my life. I guess standing there in one spot is hell! Wearing the full formal tux for 14 hrs straight is a living hell for me. At work I only wear a tie and shirt + jeans and its already hard. The morning ceremony waiting for the groom side to come over and pick up the bride was hella long. The time seem to freeze. God this is when I want my little sister to be out of the house. Don’t know why though! As the girls who accepts gifts from the groom arrives one by one. There this one girl who has a kid tag along with her kept me attracted. Even though she has a kid with her I kept looking at the nice neon green dress she has on. It looks very nice giving her three perfect dimension lines. I kept on staring at the way she smiles and the way she walk. Maybe I’m stupid? Maybe I’m blind but for definitely this replaces my best moments. These moments became the center of my beating heart. As the groom side came lining up with the girls I sort-a blanked out. Couldn’t hear anything at all but see that girl in green ao dai. Through out the day it went very slow. After the ceremony over at the girls house we went over to the groom parents house. It was hell! I hate the streets in Portland. Who ever print out the map is an idiot. God the streets has three 32 st. So crazy to find the streets. I nearly got lost a couple of times without my Navi Acura. Now this is the point where I’m happy that I got a Navigation system in my car but its being used for the Grooms car. This is so sad! Well anyways to continue on with the story. After today I have something to live for. This dan-ty feeling is good. I feel like all the work I’ve done is meant for something finally. I don’t feel like a dead person anymore working day per day with nothing planed out. At the groom side as we enter the do for ceremony on the groom side (which was short YAY!) I stood next to my little brother with the girl in greeny next to me. Every bits of my body shaking like a mofo! So hard to stand still! Gaaa! Finally after the ceremony is done I saw my sister throwing up in the bathroom. I tried to go up there and give her a hand but she refuse my help! I forced my self in to check up on here and hope the wedding goes on. She was throwing up all the food she been eating because of the wraist strap around her hip and her two days no sleep. I ran out to my computer bag in the car and mixed Advil jells with vitamin C’s pill together and gave it to her. After that she seem ok so I went to the back yard and saw everyone eating at every bench. Aodai-lien wasn’t there so I went in and sat down with best man and maid of honor. Last night we stayed up all night discuss about wedding plans and running around like freaks on leashes. They all sat down snoring and complaining about the long ceremony day with 90+ degree shining on their heads. A few minutes of that the Aodai-lien tapped my shower and ask me to head out. I was scared at first because of her little kid (niece) at first so I sat in side but then Minh-em ask me to come out and eat with him so I made my way across the crowd and ate at the bench under the pear tree. As I look up there she was! The Green-lien sitting there! I started to ask what am I thinking off here! So Minh-em poked me and ask what I was thinking. I turn over and ask about her. He told me that’s her niece and shes two years older then Ngoc. Hahah I felt so relieved. Never been happier! Throughout the remainder of the day I kept thinking about her. She invited me to tag along with her at mall so Minh-em and I tagged along. Honestly hell for god shake I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing at the mall. It was quite fun talking with her and her older sister. They were kind of dulll and cant take jokes so I slowed down my jokes and slow down my talking! My talking probably kill them. But my throats were so itch and felt really disabled. But over all at the wedding was hella boring. Don’t know why I felt it wasn’t as good! My little brother felt the same thing also. He was a little mad at the way the wedding was. Even mom was mad too! The wedding was the best time toward the end. I ask Green-lien to take a walk outside and talk for the hell of it. It was very fun! I learned a lot in that 20 minute talk. =) Well anyways Journal I’m sorry for leaving you so early today. I’m a little busy with today. I’m trying to rush through the patients today so I can sum up all the free time to sleep.

Cardin Nguyen

A Friend @ Tampa

  Cardin Nguyen        August 10, 2005

Dear journal,

its early in the morning in the lonely living room. Its about 2 am according to florida time. Its very hot right now with this sheevering heart of mine still pounding like a hammer slamming against this heart every beat.
well anyways lately its been very hot here in Florida. Every day I’m getting massive phone calls at work but I honestly want to shut down the phone and have some peace to myself but it appears to be very hard at this moment. Today as I pick up a friends brother and sister at the airport. Every moment of it was like speaking infront of a thuosand people. This feeling that I lost years ago now its coming back to haunt me this remaining night but who is here to hear me in this living room with the cold chilling air blowing down toward my head.
Ahhhhhhhhhh…….. <— yup thats it thats how I feel at this moment.
As the glowing statue walks out of tampa international airport took my breath and concious away from me. The past days I thought I knew what I was going to say with full confidence. But I guess I was wrong. After years of training myself and these schooling doesn’t really help. Theres always that one route that still traps me till these days.
But I guess theres no hope to retain this feeling for the rest of my life. but dreams and hopes never really come true in reality. The only thing that we can grab is our aspects of life. This is my life here ……..
on the other hand my step sister (not step but just that I consider her a sister) getting marry in few days and I have no idea if I’m able to make it. I feel really sad. But I’ll try my best to make it….

well anyways time to head off to bed. or atleast fake it.

Cardin Nguyen

My Florida the Dream state

  Cardin Nguyen        August 7, 2005

Dear Journal,

I arrive here in florida at 11:55 PM August 4, 2005. So far its been going great. I’ve been hanging out with Michel and Mai for a couple of days. Also hanged out with Leandro for a couple of days. Dang dont know where to start for this state but gut damn its very hot.
After a year of feeling free and lonely I can feel the happiness again. After a year of hard working I realize the opportunities out there. Work has taught me many values that I have adapted. On the 1st of August I recieved a phone call from Mai and Chi Hoang to fly in to meet see a present that they have blossom giving me that one light chance. After hearing many sucess stories of the dream statue that I have been dreaming all my life begining to move with the words they have whisper through my ear. That same night I got up and grabbed the earliest ticket I could fly to Florida. This trip so far is very buggy. I’ve been working really hard looking after servers and wishing that same dream whispered through words comes out through action. Sitting here wishing day per day for the 9th to arrive and hopping that one light year stands there long enough for me to wrap my whole arm around to claim it before anyone else does.
After a whole life searching you wish its the end of the searching but theres always that one glimpse of uncertainty that you’re not going to even get the chance.

Dear Buhhda and viewers of my journal, I hope you all pray for the best. I pray for that one chance to come true. I hope that loyalty, trust, values and entitlty dont past me by.

Cardin Nguyen

Canada (7-18-05)

  Cardin Nguyen        July 20, 2005

Canada Trip

Over the weekend I drove home to see my parents. It was a good time. On friday I hang around with my father and went to Lakefair at Capitol Lake. I spent $100 for all the rides.
Oh man, Honestly my little brother Tai is very very brave. Him being that small he actually has the guts to go on the ring of fire. I’m right next to him screaming the crap out. There little punk smiling like its nothing!
On saturday my father and I went garage sales all day. After garage sales I took my brothers downtown and fishes by the docks! We didn’t catch anything with my luck! That’s so sad!
Yup Yup on sunday I drove back up to bellingham, stopped in seattle and bouth 200$ worth of food.
After arriving in bellingham less then an hour!!!!! Binh called to head to canada. I met Qua, Nghia, and some other friends of his. quite interesting! Ahhhhh…I’m sorry journal! dont feel like typing a good journal.

Cardin Nguyen

Acura TL – chilling with bros

  Cardin Nguyen        June 26, 2005

Last week I drove down to olympia to pick up my two brothers. My middle brother, Nig moving in with me sinec he graduated high school. During that week I also bought a new car 2005 Acura TL hehehe

I love it, I gave my Honda Hybrid off to my mommi. She was crazy over it. Its only 4 month old brand new off the dock…hehehe

Been crabbing and fishing alot with my two brothers. The peace and quiet of life again. Love it when it’s summer. But whats missing? hehe missing Jay Jay bird in the sky.

Welll thats it guys. sorry for the short update but thats all you’re getting.

Too lazy, too much to do….later back to sleep.

Cardin

Summer 2005

  Cardin Nguyen        June 14, 2005

Hmm summers rolling up and I got no plans except working. I guess its about time that I should get a job. Working online all the time isnt the key to everything. Well lately I’ve been talking alot to Trev. and seem to get everything straight. I guess hitting the bald point at the wrong time. Every one seem to have everything so busy and need each one another to do their part in their actions.

Well lately I haven’t been puting too much time on viettunes as I can see viettunes not going anywhere. The reason that its not going anywhere is the structure of it. I feel its base on movies only and not others. I feel like running a website and wasting my money. I kind of doing want to back up because of Vinh. The thing is we’re not even breaking even. I’m actually losing money from the Unlimited bandwidth server. no one actually will understnad how much effort I put into. I didnt want to tell him that the project was a failure. I dont want to tell tuyen to do this and that. I just want the website to automatically run on its own. But thats impossible to do. I’m kind of tired standing behind the stage and seeing the acting and directing all the actions.

For many years now that I’ve been trying to help friends through their life, but when looking at mine I cant lead myself out of this mess. Chris if you ever see this. We could of be friends. it hurts me so much for something you did that I had to take over. I had to lie over it. you coul of stood up for what you did. well ahhh, I was only trying to do my english 100 homework but it turn out to a nightmare. For the past three years I cant study because of that. At night when I try to study I always have that tention of something bad happening. Nothings going into my head anymore because of this. After coming back from studying that night I see her there in the corner of her bed all curling up and crying. I dont know what to say as I took the blame and her out for the abort.

Moving on…well I guess I’m happy that Jasmine doing ok. Though she tried to help people in thailand but passed away thats quite sad. When Tuyen said those who are around me tend to pass away or have bad luck, it makes me really sad. I guess if thanh see that then it must be true. I’ll from now on stay away from Monica and all those who I know and see the results. It seem so true now after she pointed that out. Maybe its true…

As for Nicole, I’m happy that she found something that she wanted to do. I hope for the best of her. I’m happy for Be Ngoc also, now that shes ready to get marry with her new bf. Nancy is also ready to mary Tuan which is quite scary. Them all being young and getting marry is really scary thought.

well as for Vinh, I’m quite happy that I got a good friend. Though I dont know nothing of him but it seem like I know alot when we’re around. Maybe I do, we share alot of things with each other. Though I haven’t share nothing about Tuyen with him but one thing I did share was I really do do care for her. But I guess later on I found out the crisis and did stop it but it was too late. she had the glimpes for him already. Why is there so many hate in this world?

Why does ngan hate her so much? Why does Son have to post all the past chat logs? Why am I in the middle of this? Why am I here to listen to all this? Why cant I have a normal human life like others? Why am I born at this time? There’s so many whys jumppping around my head.

But over all I guess things is alot better now. Maybe its meant to be this way. Well its great to see Thanh develope a scense of exploring and stepping out of her box. Thats great! now shes begining to see what its like in the real world. I also asked alot of people in Tacoma to give her a hand by taking her out more. I know I will lose Tuyen this way. But hey its the best I can do is to let her explorer. From all the friends I asked them to take her out and introduce her to many other (those who I dont know) it could let her see the true stories of life. As I’ll always be here to be that one brick wall blocking and walking alone behind the shadow of my own.

Summer 2005 rolloing up

  Cardin Nguyen        May 22, 2005

Dear Journal,

Summer is rolling up and I have no idea what I want to do. Last summer I went to florida and met a friend name Micheal. Its actually really fun . I dont know if I have the revenue to even visit my friend in Florida. I really want to go but theres a few thingsi n life that I want to catch up with. Now its a matter of what to do.
Lately my life been really stable. I moved in with binh and its been great. though it feels werid in my new house but I’m loving the freedom. S
Second of all I think I put in more time into my studies.

my love life? nothing so far. still still hurt when seeing other couples walk buy. Oh well theres things why I had to push her away but no one will see that. I am so shy and tender to toss away something that I want to a friend.

oh well life

gaaa

thats pretty much it guys

catch wtih you guys more later

Cardin

Springbreak 2005

  Cardin Nguyen        March 26, 2005

Its spring break here! I’m at my parents house on my brothers computer in his Pig style room. Damn this scares the crap out of me. This is exactly how I am in high school. Thank lord I’ve changeD! heheeh
Well the last two days was great. I took my whole family out for bowling. Haven’t done it all. when you’re poor with no opportunties to go. Well we did but just that I couldn’t take them since I had no job. But now with a stable income I’m able to take them out. In high school while still on my parents income I nearly a homeboi, but now I guess I feel the joy of life being single and taking my brothers for a cruise every night when I’m home. Its great. I feel the connection between my brothers Nghia and Tai.
Beside that though the other half of my hearts missing. I dont even know who yet but still searching. But with my family being my other half for momentary its quite fun. Once in awhile even though I’m out with my brothers I feel something is missing when I see couples walking by holding hands. where’s mine? ahh well dont know..hehehe half billion light years away…..wil be right here waiting.

Cardin Nguyen

Life Here on Greenie Planet

  Cardin Nguyen        March 15, 2005

Its been nearly five years now that I started this website and all of a suddently I lost my 4 years worth of journal write. From that I learned that I should keep a backup of everything. But anyways that might be better for me because I could forget the past. Now I can look toward and write the new today.
I’m sitting here at my parents house for the weekend and figuring what to do for tomorrow morning. Its quite late now and I’m still thinking of what to do tomorrow. I’m probably going to take my brother out to eat or around town or something. Well anyways will update you guys tomorrow nite what happen.

Oh yeah I drove home with Vinh today. We had a good chat, but most important of all I learned alot .

Cardin