A step backwards to leap forward

  Cardin Nguyen        July 28, 2015

Sometimes in life its better to take a step backwards. Yesterday a friend visited me yesterday with a partner. I finally understand what it means to defend. But to make this friend happy I rather take the blame and not provide the evidence. Like what this friend said “I’m not a family destroyer”.

My friend, I’m the same. I rather see you happy then being the destoryer. Hence I am keep everything away from you to let you see what you need to see. I don’t need to defend myself. There’s no need to as words that comes through a third person always get changed. You’re old enough to figure that.

—- thats my day yesterday —

Last week July 19 at 6:35 am Bac 5 Hieu passed away. Everyday I was there with Tam Dang drinking with Hai Nguyen. We drank everyday from Sunday night till Saturday night. It was hard. Drinking suppose to be fun once in awhile, but because someone pass away you have to drink make its really hard. The Heineken was very bitter.

I guess over the pass months its been very hard. The day that I stepped into Department of Enterprises was the day that I smiled everyday. It was also the day that my smile was taken away. Smiling to me doesn’t mean the same anymore. It’s a gesture that is not true anymore. They day that I gave hope was also the day that my smile was take away from me.

I think I’m smile disabled.

Home network

  Cardin Nguyen        July 14, 2015

the last weeks I’ve been working on getting my home networ. I got Trong.us active directory running windows 2012r2 up and running . I’ll will make a detailed layout of my network when it’s stable 

I love my network. Webproxy and everything up and running using ipfire

Going with the Flow

  Cardin Nguyen        July 10, 2015

Ya know what? I couldn’t be much happier. Being a by stander and looking at others be happy, it makes me more happier. Yesterday, LinLin called me up somehow. Don’t know how she found my new number, but somehow she found it on her own. I left work today at 2 today just for a coffee with her at Starbucks. While sitting there having Green Tea Frap with her. I don’t know what to say to her. I just smile like I always.

She said “I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what to do”

I said “you don’t have to. this smile will always be with you.” and I smiled understanding every aspects of her.

She said “you really do? ”

I said “Yes LinLin” and gave a smerkle smile again.

She said “Could we ever be friends?”

I said “Yes Lin, we’re always friend from the day we haven’t spoke.”

We sat there and stared at each other from 2:20pm to 4:30. We didn’t say much, but I couldn’t be more proud of myself than ever. It’s not that I hurt her in anyway, but its the support that I have given. As long as LinLin is happy and decide on a path. I’ll always be there for those whom I have loved.

What I learned in life is, Smiling is my way out of everything. I want to be the support of my love ones. I don’t want to be questioning my love ones decisions. I rather be there to pull and jiggle their hands when they are stuck. Recently I fell in love again, loved this friend as a friend, but she quite don’t understand herself yet. Therefore she rather locks herself in our own coldness heart again to believe I’m a crazy mental person instead of believing the fact that her unrealistic life is playing tricks on her. She rather hold tight on to hear coldness minds instead of realizing what is the meaning of loving. Letting one past away than realizing the mistakes that she made, than in the end she draws her self back to where she was.

What she doesn’t understand about me is: what ever she decide I’ll always be there to support those who I once have cared. My smile will always be there with me to support you.

My meeting with LinLin was a really understanding one. At the end of the hang out she gave me a hug and said “Thanks Cardin” and gave me a light kiss on the cheeks.

I don’t hope this meeting with ever happen ever again. But I do hope to see her once a year just to know she is doing ok or else I’ll just be praying by the day hoping that she is doing ok.

Sometimes life isn’t about words. Its about the smile on our face. I didn’t make it hard for her but I supported her. Appreciation is all it counts. Though we didn’t say more then 50 words.

What makes a break up beautiful is:
We did not say anything bad with each other.
15 years later we see the past as a memory that exist in our hearts but couldn’t turn back in time. We’re just friends from now on.

This rules applies to friendship too. Real friends will never abandon you no matter what happens, what you did. I will always be true friends to those I care.

Those who abandon you are those who never really see you as a friend.

Once again, I was promise a friend, but that friend abandon me, because …………. But then I gained an understanding from a friend I never abandoned “LinLin”.

To LinLin, I know you’re reading this and I’m happy you are reading this. Else you wouldn’t be able to find my phone number. I’m not mental, I’m not crazy. That’s just my way of loving and living my life here on earth. I’m happy for you girl. If we ever get a chance next life. I hope we can be friends since we will have no memory of this life.

To the Person who no longer see me as a friend; I understand why you are doing and what you’re doing. I don’t mind what you call me, mental, crazy, liar, or what ever you say to others. You have nothing for me to lie for. You have nothing that I want. I wanted a friend. Your boundaries of a friend don’t exist and you blame it on others. But you have sparked my life and understanding of whom I am. My smile will always be the same. I will never abandon my friends. I have many friends who left me. I have few friends who have left me. But I still have a great friend who never said a single thing after she have left. She’s a real lover to a friend no matter what position we are in. Thats how I see you. I dont see you as a lover. I see you as a friend.

Thank you Lin. Thank you for all your wonderful email my internet readers. Thank you for the great support all these years.

I am crazy?

  Cardin Nguyen        July 8, 2015

No I’m not crazy but I’m heartily crazy. Facts are facts… =) Oh well, anyways life moves on. I was used as a stand by friend. When I could not lie to this friend. It bit me in the neck.
Moving on, ouch thats all I can say. Ouch…….
My brother is heading off to Central this Thursday and Friday. I’m not sure if I can take the days of to go with him. I’d probably give him some money and let him go alone.

gaaaaa……. For love you can do anything ….you can lie anything…..

there  are two type of love

a.) understanding and accepting your pair to be happy.
b.) twisting facts because you don’t want the other pair to see your sicko side.

it hurts ..hahahahh…but if I have to become a side friend. I will do that. Funny fact, guys like me got punched and got hurted but we get the blame. oh well……life hurts ……..I shouldn’t have ate, talk, or even come close to other people PROPERTY.

To me its a friend in my heart, but to other they are no more than personal property enjoyment.

oh well closing this topic. Tomorrow journal will be about different topics.

Giving an Easier Ride

  Cardin Nguyen        July 7, 2015

Lately I been acting against my heart because I want to give this friend an easier ride on decision that she have chosen to unfriend me. Though it hurts a lot inside me but I think its best. If that is her decision to decide the value of “friendships”. Coldness and losing the value of life comes from it. Family is always important, but when we define what’s blood and whats not. Friends kill each other over many weird things. At the end no matter what time of friendship it is we’re just human beings.
We decide what friendship is. We decide the value of friendship. Friendship takes understanding one another and willing to accept ones past and forgive what has been done.
As a friend, I see her as a friend no matter what she have decide. As a friend I will act, react, and make it easier to hate me to death. I hope that after I die you will read my journal before my website goes down. After I die, I hope you will read it before my server runs out of money so you will understand that my intention was never bad. It was to help you succeed. I’m willing to become your stepping stop to lead you to your happiness.

Beside all the painful things I have to walk everyday. Now I have to keep my eyes and ears open. Somethings coming up my way…..I should be recieving my important mail today.

Stepping Stone & Decisions

  Cardin Nguyen        July 5, 2015

Yesterday I received an important call to head back to work. That’s the call I’m very afraid of. Our life here on earth are very limited. Every moment we should pay close attention to what we’re doing and others are doing. Though we are careful of what happen, but no matter what happens we all have our weak points. Sometimes other takes that weak point in our heart to step on. Either they train their own minds to think you’re the bad one. I guess I’m so use to it now that I’m dull. I’ve been a stepping stone and willing to be it. It’s interesting today, I bumped into a friend at Safeway today. Good to know she’s doing great with 4 kids. I walked by with a grin on my face and whispered “hello”. I can already see the tears dripping in her eyes and heart. That tears made me forgive and forget what had happen.

19 years ago I signed up to be a part of this country and defend the constitution of the United States to heart. Today I took that oath to continue to make my remaining life worth while. A skills set that I can only deliver at my finger tips. Life hurts…..but what else can we do…..People find things to make their life busy. Myself, me , and I find things to make it better for those we care. Later, i’ll stop here. I’m talking non-sense now…….. =)

-Cardin

Không May Mắn

  Cardin Nguyen        July 2, 2015

Unlucky, I felt very unlucky today. Its just a feeling that really bothers me. The damage has been done and the choice has been chosen. Sometimes we sell our soul for the unknown facts. After hearing many facts of life its really hard to accept the facts. The friend I thought was a friend isn’t really a friend. After all they use your friendship and when they are done; you’re nothing more then dirt. They blow you away just like the wind breezing against your face. I knew this long time ago and promised myself never to fall for it. I broke my back because of it but still I fell into the trap.

I use smiles to cover my sadness. The other use coldness to produce a strong face. But in the end we have sold our soul way and broken promise as been develop.

after that I heard many other stories why but I still don’t believe it from the bottom of my heart. I listen to my heart. I heard this friend highly speaks of him/herself. She/he bought a fake marriage to get here. Though it fits into places but I don’t believe it till I hear it from the sources. Oh well…….Life moves on…..my 1 hour promise will never come true….I knew it from the beginning. I can only dream of it.

Today is Thursday and I promise to suck on these green Heineken bottles to forget about the promises of friendship. My heart was resurrected for a true friend for a moment in time and it was killed by the same friend…… That’s why I believe this journal and my internet friends are only friends who are true. When you’re hiding behind the mask you can speak yourself. I cheer to my friend and best the luck and wish them happiness for what ever they have chosen. Thank you for passing in my life and I will always remember this friend…..

Message to the friend if you’re still reading this:
I understand what you are doing and forgive you for doing so. I have given u my true words to you and promise to bring those promises to my heart till the day I die. What ever you have decide to do I’m always there for you and keeping supporting u forever. I forgive you. Continue being cold like you are…but I will always care silently. Those who I have loved, those who I have cared for will remains in me. U guys have create who I have become today. I will always be the guy doodling random pictures in the back. Like I have said at the beginning, popular girls and guys will never look at us. That’s just the rules of life. I forgive you..have a good day my friend.

Song for this Journal entry: Anh Không May Mắn -Châu Khải Phong

Phim friendships

  Cardin Nguyen        June 30, 2015

I’m laying here watching Fast and Furious 7.  It’s such a good movie! The friendship in the movies means so much. I’m so jeslous the friendship between Dom and Paul Walker , Mexican and white means so much. They trust each other with their life. I’m jealous that in real life we don’t have that kind of friendship onces we are married. Movies are so good, sometimes I want to live in movies land. Promises in movies exaggerated so much that it makes it so beautiful. Promise in life was broken in a few words. Sadly it was my day . 

I can never see any more promises as a concrete. I already knew this while working for the force and I promised myself that I won’t fall into the trap anymore. Again I fell into the land of being toyed. Once they are done with what they need them they let u go. Now I feel sad for the dogs, now I feel sad for the IT folks. Now I understand the differences of rich and the poor.

A Friend Lost due to understanding

  Cardin Nguyen        June 30, 2015

I guess at 2 pm today I have lost a friend. A friend that I had high hopes for. Who could have understand me and I could her. A good bye in tears but lives moves on.

Good Bye is the only word that I can think of this moment.

I have attached the letters of broken promises. Everything has its ending. Friendship never last till we reach and understanding …

a letter from this promise with all the promises of being a friend forever. A song they sang for me to promise of a friendship that will never end.

if you want access to the letters. Please register and send me a notice for access to the letter.

Its sad but nothing I can do. It hurts but nothing I can do. Hard to find a friend that you can consider close friends.

Friends are everywhere

-Cardin Nguyen

Reckless Mind

  Cardin Nguyen        June 29, 2015

Today’s top would be reckless mind, every year there’s this date where nerds and geeks get together on IRC to chat about new technologies and techniques. That’s where I learned majority of my skills from looping, buffer flows, and SSL translation crippler. When our minds are set to one thing we tend to change to a different personalities. Nice or good its how we accept who we are. We all live by principles whether its right or wrong. Those principles always follow us. Today I had a hard time living up to the fact that I broke so many principles just because of “love”. Love is a principles aspects that we break all the time. At this age in time its really hard to find someone who shares the same principle as you.

Its disgusting to protect some thing that we don’t want to believe that’s true. What should I do? you want to see your love one smile happily ever after but does that means you sacrifice the truth for it? Today that’s what I learned. I must accept the fact its better to become a liar then being the killer. To some its better to sacrifice friends and family than losing a reality that they don’t want to lose. Hence people become so cold heart-ed and they don’t even know it. That’s where multiple personalities comes into play. I remember one time a hacker that I barely now erased everything I had on my computer from pictures to personal documents. I disconnected my cable modem 5 seconds after I notice that he had hack into my network. That 5 second he was able to inject a simple virus that formatted my computer. “Luckily” I had backed up all my files three nights before. I was still still very mad since I lost 3 days of life work. I really wanted to kill this guy by revenging. Revenging never ends there. That’s why there’s so many problems in the world. Instead I learned to accept the fact he has better skills than me. From that day on I started to learn how he wrote the virus and wrote a better one, compacted and speedier than his virus.

That is an example of being able to accept the challenge of life. That’s an example of being able to accept the truth.

Another example I encountered that we can reflect on a friend I meet. Awhile back I met this friend, she doesn’t know why shes always mindlessly and meaninglessly walks around with a cold mind and heart. She just have duties that she does. She have dreams that she want to pursue, but she gave up her dreams just for one reality “getting away from home and freedom”. Freedom is a cost we give up for our family. It’s not the cost we give up for ourself. That’s how we come so selfish. Base on her stories I can predict that other who steps into her life liked her for who she is. She didn’t see that because it was part of the family approval. If  they are approve then they can hang out with her. For instance, if she was still in Vietnam. I would have to get her family approval to even get close to her. But does that mean I’m bad? No that doesn’t mean I’m bad. But does that mean the family is wrong? no that doesn’t mean the family is wrong. Her family loved her and carefully pick and choose. It doesn’t matter how you pick or choose, there’s always a chance that the one’s “picked” to be friends with her aren’t perfect. Though she lived in Vietnam but she’s Westernized mind set. She learned it through books and self realization. She once told me that she knows what love is. But she had to sit there and think what it is so hard. What she said out to me was pure text book explanation of what love is. I read the exact same phrase from Gary Paulsen. That’s pure copying! She’s never had a true friend because when they need her most she ignore the status. She rather spend some quality time than giving up everything at that moment to hang chill with the trouble minded friend. Reckless of the mind…..we’re not even noticing that we’re using other. We’re using each other to survive. This world would be a better place to live in when we  can give at the bottom of our hearts. Thats why this friend never really had a true friend. Thats why this friend to me never really experience love. She’s blinded with words in front but she can’t see what is going behind her back. It’s too late to realize that because the damage is done. We’re human and we’re afraid of losing what got. We’re afraid to be alone. That’s when our mind recklessly sell our souls and believe that this cannot happen. “I lived with all these people and they are nice people”. If you listen to all the news then you will realize what I’m speculating is true. Our neighbors seem like nice couples but they are serial killers. Rich family looks like happy family when they are all dressed up. In the back they are fighting over stupid things. Either its property or money. It’s not in Asian culture. It also happens in Western Cultures.

Parents that we barely pay attention too. They don’t even have the time to visit their parents when they are alive. But when their parents are dead in a freeze they give up everything they got to fly back to see them? Is it really true that they are flying back because they loved the person. yes they loved their faimly. This friend of mind a few years ago lost a loved one. When they are alive she take her love one for granted. In her heart she wanted to head back for new years. But she didn’t go because she don’t have the money to go. She has the money to buy a ticket but not the money to spend on the trip. So she told her parents that she wont come back. If she had the feeling that something bad is happening. At that point her heart was telling her to book but her mind could only concentrate on money. Debit free and extra money for the trip to spend. If she was smart enough she had 3 thousand in the bank . She could of save 1 thousand back for expense at home. Buy the ticket for $1200 and spend 800 in Vietnam for two weeks with her parents.  She had only a week’s vacation.

What’s wrong here? its because she doesn’t know what’s love. She never have experienced real love. I don’t ever think she will ever in the near future know what’s love till she drops everything she has and cry it all out. When she drops everything and answer question through the heart not through memories of the brain.

anyways that’s my thoughts all day today. I cried by myself today not because its tough. I cried today because I am in love with myself. To my girl (friend) that’s lost for ever…….I am hurt but she neglected to see it. I could make a huge big deal with it by getting authority involved but I respected and had this friend of mind in my mind always. Charging and revenges isn’t the way out of things. Sharing a bit of love will some day make a different. No friends are true till they learn to love..